It matters that people have a way to use the latest findings in psychology beyond buying a pill for depression. It matters that people have a way of looking at their lives that lets them ask the big questions and determine how they want to live – and that this is supported by therapists and mental health professionals.


Self Expression, Shame, and Gender Constructs

Posted on 22 Aug | 2 comments
Photo by Chelsea Kennedy.
Photo by Chelsea Kennedy.

My six-year-old son got his first pedicure this last weekend. He was with three women at the nail shop, and initially, he decided against the pedicure but quickly grew bored with his video game and elected to join us.

He chose blue for his nail color. Since then, he’s scarcely noticed the color and hasn’t even mentioned it but I am acutely aware of them. I am on guard at the playground, in the store, or when we’re out riding bikes because I am aware of how out-of-the-gender-specific norm this is. I’ve heard the horror stories of complete strangers verbally and even physically accosting young children who challenge gender roles and I’m mentally prepared to go to the mat for my child if necessary. I hope it doesn’t come to that.

I am not mostly concerned not about his gender expression or sexuality. I am not concerned about whether he will become effeminate because I allow him to paint his toenails. I am most concerned that his innocent self-expression will serve as an unwanted invitation for someone to shame him and cause his still-developing sense of self to wither and hide.

Brene Brown, who has researched the issue of vulnerability, discusses how men and women experience shame differently, and how much of the shame we carry is based on gender stereotypes (or straightjackets, as she calls them). Boys are conditioned that they ought not be weak, wrong, soft, fearful and ought to not fail. Brown (2012) describes a scenario of a young man who as a boy loved art but was chastised by an uncle as being a “faggot,” and since then, has not engaged with his art again. I wonder how much this world is missing because of those who were shamed away from something they love.

One theme I’ve seen consistently pop up in my therapy room over the years is fear of self-expression. People are shamed in some way as young people, and that experience causes them to pull back into their shell of self-protection, fearful of experiencing that wounding again. As they get older, they realize there is something in them that has been shut off and they come to therapy to uncover what that might be. Many times, I’ve worked with clients who stopped doing something they loved but re-engage with that passion during therapy. The journey back to self is often more of an archaeological expedition wherein we uncover what has been buried.

So to my son, I say: paint your toenails if you choose to do so. You are so much more than a gender construct, and I will do my best to help you express yourself, in whatever way possible. In those times that I fail, please be patient with me as I am growing with you.

To those who balk at the idea of a boy with painted toenails: Look up past his toes and see the boy standing before you. This is a young one who is learning his way around this scary place called life. Please don’t judge him, shame him or make fun of him. Get to know him, and I’m pretty sure you’d like him. Your words can have impact long after you speak them, so please be careful with what you say.

And to each of us who have pieces of us that are still unexpressed? Well, let us all take a lesson from a brave little boy and let ourselves shine a little more each day.

-- Lisa Vallejos

Read more stories by Lisa Vallejos

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Comments and Discussions

So true. Most of us, are who

So true. Most of us, are who people want us to be. Last week I read an article in the newspaper, It was about Jhonny Depp retirement from the movies, and how the movies (the characters as Jack Sparrow, Ed Wood, Willy Wonka, etc.) had built him, a now he is not more Jhonny Depp. Following this thought, the article goes around the fake self almost everyone has, and how the internet feeds this. We are one before the computer and a completly strange after it. To sad this can be true, why people have to act to be accpeted? Why we just don't accept people, willing to be accepted as well. I think that's the way, the only one.

Way to go, Lisa. Your son

Way to go, Lisa. Your son gets from you the most important ingredients in becoming a man: love from you, and the space to be who he is and to spread his wings. With those, he will find his gender identity and securely make his place in this world. He is so lucky to have you as a Mom.

When i was doing therapy with heroin addicts in the Maryland House of Correction, a big, tough guy asked to see me. He came to my office looking very uncomfortable, gazing both ways as he entered. He closed the door and nervously unbuttoned his shirt to reveal a beautiful pencil drawing that he told me he did in his cell at night when no one would see it. He loved to draw, but was told by his mother it wasn't "manly" so he restrained his impulse to create and was left with a void and the pain of deprivation. He killed that pain with drugs. He is now free -- from jail and his mother's restrictions are no more. He is free -- a man and an artist...... but I am not sure what color his toenails are. :-)

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